You Make Me Want To Be Brave

I need to live life fearlessly.

I am fighting what some of my close friends might call a "spiritual war". For all the effort I put forth to continuously chase God, I find myself being held back by fear and worry that despite how hard I try, despite how much I truly do love Him, my past cannot be overcome.

I know that to be untrue. I know that. It is forgotten and it is forgiven.

So everyday I work towards overcoming those moments where I doubt that. Or fear that I can tell myself that as much as I want but it just won't happen. I am working so hard to not let my mind get wrapped up on those thoughts. I'm trying so hard to not lend them any credibility. That defeats the purpose of everything I am working towards.

I know I have had moments in the past where I have doubted. I know I have had moments where I've tried to believe that none of this is real. I know I've tried to live life on my own terms and I know I've had moments where I've asked God to just leave me alone. I was so confused in the first few months that I honestly sat down and struggled with my sexuality. I was trying to figure out what it all meant. At the same time I was struggling with what I'd like to call the fakery of my faith. Its not that I didn't believe. But I began doing so much for the "show" of faith, to look like I was this great Christian, that it all became fake to me.

For a time I just had to leave it all behind. I had to strip it down to its lowest common denominator and start over. I'm afraid of the thoughts I don't remember from that time. I'm afraid of the things I said to God in that time. I struggle everyday now to not worry about it. I try and tell myself nothing I thought or said then could seperate me from God's love.

I just have to believe that that is true. That no matter how hard I tried to believe He wasn't real or wasn't working in my life, for whatever reason, that He would still take me back when I came to find how foolish I was in thinking that. I just have to believe.

Fearlessly.