Tug of War

This is a very familiar place. I need some insight. I've done enough thinking. I need someone else to process the thoughts that have been pinging their way throughout my mind for some time now. I'm just not sure who to turn now. And will the outcome be any different? Will I end up here in this place again? Do I even know what place I'd like to end up in? I'm not sure...

Been Tired

Hi All,

I've been out of touch, I know. The holidays were tiring and stressful. I'm still not fully recovered. I haven't had a good nights sleep in far too long. I really just want one night where I can sleep for at least 8 hours without tossing and turning or waking up every hour. Is that too much to ask?

My mind and heart have been mostly heavy as of late. I have a lot of things I need to work through and organize and process. 2009 is going to be a hard year, I think. Stay tuned. I'll let you know how it goes.

Mama Knows Best

Yesterday, after dinner with my grandparents, I walked out to my car, put my key in the ignition ... and nothing. My car wouldn't start. I immediately went back inside to summon the expertise of pap pap. He knows his stuff.

He came out and determined my battery was dead. This was a huge relief to me because I was obviously assuming the worst and worrying about how I would afford a brand new car at that very instant.

Pap pap and I went off to Sams Club and I bought a new battery. He put it in for me and all was well again with the world when my car instantly started.

I called my mom as I drove home and told her about my excitement, remarking "Its always something, isn't it?"

To which my mother replied, "Its either 'always something' or death. I'd rather have 'always something'!"

She is a smart woman, my mother.

It Smells So Good!

My best friend bought me a Christmas Cookie Candle from Yankee Candle Company yesterday. I have been wanting this candle for probably four weeks, since we first smelled it together at the mall.

Oh. My. Gosh. It is AMAZING. The smell is filling my house room by room and I can't get over it.

It is also making me very hungry - but that is besides the point!

'Tis the season...

Blessed...

I just want to take a moment and be thankful for the blessing that is my roommate's sister.

My roommate and I both work for airlines. My roommate actually works in New York City and has an apartment there. So I most often feel like I live alone. No one is usually here when I am.

Yet somehow, this house always feels like a home. I can't tell you the number of times I have returned from a trip to find that the entire house has been cleaned from top to bottom. It smells fresh and is spotless and organized. This is no easy fete. My roommate and I both have a habit of rolling into town for a day at a time and dropping things by the door or on the counters or in the living room in our rush to get everything done we must in the limited amount of time we are here.

So far, the icing on the cake has been when I returned from my trip a week ago to find the entire house was decorated for Christmas. The tree was up in the living room. The railing on the stairs was wrapped in garland and Christmas lights. Christmas trinkets and figurines adorned every available surface throughout the entire house, including the bathroom! It really made me feel like I was home. It made the house feel less empty.

Tonight, I arrived home for the first time in a week to an extra special surprise. I walked into the dining room and turned on the light. Hanging off of the staircase railing were two stockings. One had my roommate's name on it, and the other had my name on it.

All of this is thanks to the hard work of my roommate's sister. She cleans our home. She decorates it for Christmas. And she was thoughtful enough to make a stocking that had my name on it - and hung it from the stairs.

Seriously. I wasn't expecting this. But I'm really thankful for it.

Drifting

Its easy to look at other people and think they have it all put together. The career, the social life, the romantic life.

Not too long ago I thought I was finally putting things together. I was working hard to one-day advance my career (I have no idea how any of this will pay off in the short-term, but hopefully it will in the long-term) and I have been working hard to get my finances under control. I've also been trying to focus on my band - which I need to devote more time to.

Today, though ... I feel like I don't really have much to feel accomplished about. I feel like I'm working my life away, and its been two long since I felt like I was "living". Not to mention the fact that I associate being happy in life with having enough money to live off of (which I don't...) and having someone to share my life with, which I don't.

I've been spending a lot of time with my best friend, lately, and I am truly grateful for getting to share as many experiences with him as I've been able to. But it does highlight the fact that I don't have a significant other to me, and makes me long for being able to share more with someone than I'm able to with my best friend.

What is my problem? So, to distract myself, I just keep working. Its a viscious cycle.

Winter Cleaning

I am trying to clean up my finances ... still. I have finally begun making payments on all of my outstanding student loans (some of them I honestly had no clue about until I got my free credit report!) which is taking up some additional cash. But the main motivator for improving my credit score is the fact that next year my car is paid off and I need to prepare myself for buying my next car.

Unfortunately, not all of my loans are going to be "current", but they will have payments being made on them. Currently, two of my student loans are behind in payments. When I get my Christmas bonus in a couple of weeks I am going to apply all of that money towards the one, which should bring it current. The other loan I just started paying on this month and I have a LONG way to go before that is paid off. Hopefully, though, the fact that it is being paid monthly will improve my credit rating. Does anyone know if your credit score goes up if youre making monthly payments, even if it is past-due?

I also opened up an ING Orange Savings account this weekend. I set pretty ambitious goals earlier this year to save several hundred dollars a month towards a new car. Unfortunately, I will need to trim those back. So, I am opening this savings account and it will automatically have funds transferred to it monthly. This way, I don't really see the money (it goes out right when my paycheck goes in) and I can't miss it or avoid saving it. It isn't going to be a lot of money, but it will be a start. Also, when my car is paid off next summer, I plan to put the money I'd normally put towards my car payment into this savings account. I do want to keep my current car for as long as I can, but I have my doubts about how long it will actually last me.

Anyway, part of being an adult is becoming financially responsible. I've spent the past few weeks defining my financial obligations and working towards eliminating unnecessary spending. Now I need to actually execute this plan.

First step: Identify my student loan obligations and begin paying them. This is being taken care of.

Second step: Determine whether I need to move when my lease is up. I brought this up to my roommate and we both agreed to extend my lease another year when it runs up in March. This eliminates a huge point of stress for me and also allows me to continue to live in a fairly affordable environment.

Third step: Watch my spending on eating out! I am trying hard to only eat out when I am on the road and it is difficult to pack food. Unfortunately, I have been on the road more often than I have been home - so I've needed to be EXTRA vigilant about decreasing my food budget when I am not flying. This is a work in progress.

I hope all of this makes me a more stable person, financially. Any advice or thoughts? I'm going to continue to seek extra hours at the airline (where I make more money per hour than I do at the hotel) but keep the hotel as a back-up. I'm kind of working there on a week-to-week basis as we speak.

Take care and I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving!