Moving On From Fear

As I eluded to in a post several posts back, I have been held back by fear so great I have literally spent nights unable to sleep, moments sick to my stomach, days where nothing else mattered but the train-wreck that was happening in my heart and mind.

I have prayed endlessly since those days and nights began for peace. For comfort. For knowing that what I fear was simply untrue. I want to move on from this place. I can't live like this for the rest of my life. And in some way, these fears and doubts, I do believe, truly disagree with everything I believe in.

I know, in my past, there was a time where I truly doubted God. I truly doubted my faith. I can remember, at one point, just asking Him to leave me alone. How selfish of me. Beyond that, I have little recollection of that time in my life. The only other thing I remember is the day I finally came back and said "Yes, God. I know. I know you're real. I'm sorry for trying to think otherwise." I am afraid of all of the things I may have thought or said inbetween those two days. I am afraid that I felt I didn't believe in God at all. That would mean I didn't believe in Jesus Christ, or what He did for me on the cross. I fear having told myself, and God, and other's, that I wasn't a Christian. That I didn't think He existed. That I didn't need Him. What if I said all of those things? What if I don't remember, because I don't want to remember that time?

I am so, so sorry for those days, weeks, months of doubt. It was years ago. Literally, years ago. And it didn't last for very long. But what if that was enough. What if, by turning away from God in those weak and confused moments, I brought myself to a point where I could never turn back?

I never knew such a point existed. I still don't, do this day, know if such a point exists. But it is my prayer every day that it doesn't. It is my prayer every day that despite those times where I seemingly removed myself from Christ, and doubted His love and very existence, that He could still love me. That I could still be saved.

I suppose I fear that I would never be able to go to Heaven. Honestly. Thats my biggest fear. That because I doubted and tried not to believe and thought I didn't believe, after having already believed, that I can't be saved "again". Does any of this make sense? I just tell myself, everyday, that God brought me back to this place for a reason. And it doesn't make sense to me for it be to abandon me after finishing this life and reaching the next. I just pray for mercy and grace and forgiveness and love.

Everyday. At some point. The thought crosses my mind about the next life and I begin to fear again. Shouldn't Christians be rejoicing at the thought of the next life? What is wrong with me? I truly hope I will spend eternity with my Father in Heaven. It is my heart's deepest desire.

And I am so sorry for the times in my life where I was unconcerned with it. And I am so sorry for having to deal with the consequences now.