Stay Beautiful

I have been in tears all day. Literally, from the moment I woke up until now.

I can't put a finger on what the underlying issue is. All I know is, I'm a wreck. Inside and out. I stood at work all day on the verge of tears at the front desk. I had to keep running into the back office to keep from crying in front of the guests.

Two of the most intense moments came while I was driving to and then from work.

I bought a new CD yesterday. It is called Let Love Win by Daniel Kirkley. I was listening to it on the way to work this morning. The fifth song started, and within two lines, I was crying. Below I will paste the lyrics.

Careless words are spoken
Families fall apart
Nothing gets more broken
Than a Mother's heart
She cannot sleep, can hardly breathe
With out a moment of wondering
How this all will end
God please let it end
Hurt is falling from her eyes
As she cries

Come and make it beautiful
Let it all be usable
I still believe in miracles
And that you can use everything
So Father use even this
Make it beautiful

Standing in a new day
In the wonder of grace
Still there's so much he wishes
That he could erase
That wasted years and all the shame
More regrets than he could name
From a battle he has waged
That still goes on today
But with confidence
And with faith he prays

Come and make it beautiful
Let it all be usable
I still believe in miracles
And that you can use everything
So Father use even this
Make it beautiful

You promised that all things
All things would work together for my good
All things, All things
My Redeemer will you (come)...

Come and make it beautiful
Let it all be usable
I still believe in miracles
And that you can use everything
So Father use even this
Make it beautiful

This song reminds me of what must have been going through my mother's head and then my own at the time I told her I was gay. Its a beautiful song and it just kept cutting deeper and deeper as I listened to it. I couldn't help but cry. I repeated it over and over and over for twenty minutes as I drove to work. I cried the entire way. Tears streaming down my face.

On the way home from work, I put this song back on again. As it got to the end and the chorus was repeating, I was again crying profusely, and I remember saying "God ... make me beautiful." And I heard Him say "You are." I started crying even harder and then I heard Him say "You were worth my son."

I'm beautiful. I'm crying even now thinking about this. As broken as I am. As often as I struggle. As often as I fall down. I'm still beautiful.