All My Insecurities

I feel very insecure today. Completely out of place. Inadequate.

I just finished a four-day trip yesterday. I don't know where to start. But I am left feeling very ... uncertain of myself ... after this trip.

The first officer I flew with is what I would call your stereotypical all-American boy. Good looking. Funny. Drinks beer. Plays pool. Surfs. Is married. Is having a baby. Is found to be attractive by women everywhere. And is actually quite considerate of others (surprisingly) and seems to have good values.

For starters, I am so jealous. Secondly, he is everything that I am not, and I loved working with him for it. I spent four solid days spending time with him on and off the airplane going "I wish I could be like that." I guess you could say I was enamored by how much of a guy he was. Does that make sense?

I wish I was good looking. I wish I was athletic. I wish I was married and about to have a baby. I wish women looked at me and were attracted to me. I wish I could fit in with the guys. I wish I like drinking beer and playing pool.

Instead, I sat at the bar with him and our coworkers and some friends we made that night with everyone thinking I was the token gay flight attendant.

And I hate myself for it. They would probably just laugh if I tried to deny being gay ... so I don't. I don't say I am. But I just let them assume what they want.

Here I am. Unattractive. Far from masculine. Terrible at playing sports. I hate drinking beer. And I can't play pool to save my life.

What now?

I'm not as far along in this journey as I had hoped I would be. I don't know what my expectations were. But I'm nowhere near where I'd like to see myself.

I still fondly remember my ex-boyfriends. I still fondly remember the various trips we took together, the dinners, the movies, the everything-else's. And I feel trapped in that.

And now that I am continually assumed to be gay by everyone else I come in contact with, I find myself playing that game again. I was always the token gay guy in my groups of friends. And I still assume that role, for some reason, when I am working. Except now-adays I don't actually date men.

What to do? Is there any way for this to be helped? I'm frustrated. I'm discouraged. I'm dissapointed.