I really hate being single. It hasn't bothered me this much until the past week or two. I just worked with a friend of mine for four days - and he is happily involved in a relationship that I often times found myself jealous of. I miss the dozens of phonecalls a day to my ex. I miss having someone to call "baby". I miss having someone to look forward to coming home to. I miss having someone to share the stupid little details of my day with. I miss it all.
I'm upset that I don't have it in my life. I don't like being alone. And I feel alone in all respects. Beyond "relationship". I feel alone in my friendships. I have few friends to my name here in Pittsburgh. Actually, I can't think of a single friend. Beyond my family. Not one person. I don't know how to meet new people or where. Everything is so different now. Before I could go sit at a coffeeshop on the corner in Columbus (in the middle of the gayborhood there) and within minutes someone was talking to me. Nowadays, I don't know where to go or what to do. Most of my friends live in other cities. I rarely see them.
I spend my days flying from one city to the next. Taking people from one place to the next. One meeting to the next. One loved-one to the next. I am jealous.
I have nowhere to be. No one to see when I get there.
It all seems pointless.
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2 comments:
Tony you are my sunshine and if you ever feel like telling all the stupid details of your day you know you can call me i love hearing your stories. i know i can't be a relationship for you but i can still be here to help you not be so alone through the day or week or whenever you feel you need someone. I'm only an email or call or IM away and i'd be more than happy to fit you into my routine wake up eat feed baby get shower talk to tony for hours feed baby sleep and do it again works for me :) you know i love you honey and you just tell me what you need muahz Sarah
Tony - just reading your blog for the first time after being pointed here by Jonathon. It appears you are going through that very tough transition period, for which you need to be uplifted in prayer and rely on the Lord in many circumstances. I was there, an dit takes a while for that new network of friends and acquaintances to develop. But it is not pointless if you set your stake in the ground and work to "not look back" like Lot's wife or like the Isrealites. Keep your eyes forward and work on new ways to build a new network. I have had to do that three specific times in my life - first when I became a Christian, second when I went into treatment for alcoholism, and third when I began seeking freedom from SSA. So I will pray for you as you go through this transition in your life. Run with purpose toward your goal, and ask your Christian brothers for all the support that you need. Jeff
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