Sliding Doors

Did you ever see the movie Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow? I've seen it once or twice. And I feel like I could be Gwyneth Paltrow in that movie.

The plot of the movie revolves around whether or not she makes an afternoon train after getting out of work early. If she makes it - the events of her life turn out one way. If she doesn't make it - they turn out a completely different way. And we view both stories occuring at the same time.

I look at my life in almost the same way. Their is the new Tony (having had my "moment" on the airplane). And their is the other Tony. Who I would be had I not had that moment on the airplane. And I find myself strangely torn between the two.

I'm happy to be making the changes I am making. I am happy to be learning the lessons I am learning. I happy to be hopeful. I find myself wondering what life has in store for me. Will I get married? Will I have children? Who will I spend Christmas' and Thanksgiving's with? And birthdays and anniversaries.

And on days where I start to feel alone or defeated I think to myself "I had all of that." I had someone to spend Christmas' and Thanksgiving's with. I had someone to spend birthdays and anniversaries with. I had someone to build a home and a life with. And I wonder where we would be today. Would we be planning on moving in together? Would we have spent the holidays at each others families? What kind of relationship would we have today?

I know that one can never live in hypotheticals. I know I shouldn't keep holding on to this relationship that is unhealthy for me. I just need to figure out how to let it go. How do I get it to fade from memory? Am I always going to be held captive to these thoughts? Even in future relationships - will this always hold me back?

I hope not.