Here Come Better Days

I sure hope so.

I've been in training at my airline for the past two weeks, now. I have one more week left. Traning consists of classroom and hangar time. No flying.

For starters, I don't like being in one place for this amount of time. I'm used to leaving every couple of days and getting to experience a large number of new people and a handful of cities to explore.

I'm suffering from what I guess would be called symptoms of cabin fever?

Oh yes, also depression.

Imagine that. Me. Depressed!

Never...

But I am. I've been gaining weight lately, on purpose, because I've always been thin. So I've changed my diet around a little and I've been working out a little bit in my hotel rooms on layovers and such when I wake up in the morning. I can tell the difference in my physical appearance, but I doubt most other people could.

The other day someone looked at me, and said to the person they were with (a good friend of mine...) "He'd be kind of cute if he wasn't so anorexic."

I'm not anorexic. I've always been thin. Its not unhealthy. I've always been healthy. But I've never liked the way I look. And its hard to hear that now, especially, when I'm actively working on changing it.

I look at myself and I know I will never be one of those guys anyone looks at and goes "Wow. He's hot." I'll never be a model in a magazine. I'll never stop people in their tracks or get them to turn their heads when I walk into the room.

I'm so jealous of those people. I wish I knew what that was like.

I'm also really depressed over this whole dating thing. Their is a girl in my training class who I am rapidly becoming great friends with. And its not that I want to date her. But I do realize I am attracted to her. We get along incredibly well. We finish each others sentences (mostly because she's blonde and I'm smarter than she is ... totally kidding!), we hang out constantly, we share everything about ourselves.

And she's been dating her boyfriend for over two years now. And he treats her terribly. And I see myself falling into all the traps I fell into years ago. I'm not the good-looking guy all the girls want. I'm that guy who might be cute and makes the great go-to "guy-friend" every girl needs. I'm always going to be the best friend. I can just tell. I just don't have what it takes to grab a girl's attention and get her to like me. I'm not good looking enough. I'm not rich enough.

I feel like I'm 16 years old again.

And I hate this.