Baby Steps

I began talking to my father again through e-mail, and e-mail only. Its indirect. Its short. And it doesn't have to happen right away. I can think about what I want to say to him, or if I even want to say anything at all. And the pressure isn't quite so high as it is when I see his number flash across the screen of my phone.

He is apparently trying to come up to where I live for a visit after Christmas. I don't know if I will be working or not. I suppose I should see him, if anything, to meet my baby sister. Who is adorable.

Why do things have to be so complicated? I'm not going to get the first 22 years back, I know that. So why does the present have to be so upsetting? I'm not trying to get back all the moments I never had as a child and teenager. I just want to have an adult relationship with my father. And yet - everything has to be approved by his wife, everything has to go through his wife, etc. I don't want anything to do with her. She has never once demonstrated herself to be a good person, a caring person, etc. She is manipulative and self-centered. And he married her. Do they have to come as a package? He'd be fine if he didn't have her. I think I would be, too.