I Will Get Down On My Knees

I just want to cry, God. There is so much pain in my life - both present and past. A friend of mine spoke of "novelty" tonight. He spoke of things that remind him of simpler times. I, too, am reminded of simpler times. I, too, long for simpler times.

To be a child again. To not be self-sufficient. Or, rather, failing to become self-sufficient. To not have to pay bills. To not have to put a roof over my own head. To not have to put food on my own table. To not have to keep up appearances.

Before broken hearts. Before college loans. Before learning that dreams aren't enough to live off of.

I feel hopeless. I feel powerless. I hate these feelings, God. I don't like feeling inadequate.

I see failure. What do you see? I see no easy way out. What do you see?

Is it worth ruining my name and reputation to protect the good name of someone else? Is it worth pretending this doesn't hurt me? Is it worth pretending that this mess is my own?

Why can't I ever stick up for myself? How do I let those I love know that a line has, indeed, been crossed?

How do I keep from giving up?

I made so many changes to avoid going through times like this.

Why do they still come? I was hoping they wouldn't come.

And here come the tears...